


Misjudgements and Atonement

by GaHoolianGirl



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Hinted Requited Love, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 08:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4997200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaHoolianGirl/pseuds/GaHoolianGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maker, that would be below the belt, if he started to fall for the man he swore vengeance against.</p><p>...the Maker was not always kind, was He?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Misjudgements and Atonement

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially a headcanon dump for Nate/My Cousland in narrative form.
> 
> From a gameplay perspective this is the same Gideon who is with Zev in all my other fics. But story-wise, this is a different universe, where everything happens the same except Gideon never gets with Zev, because his personality would not be cohesive to an open relationship.
> 
> Also, I have not completed every aspect of Awakening yet, including dialouges, so this probably messes with canon a bit, be warned.
> 
> ...seriously, better title suggestions wouod be appreciated.

It was with reticence that Nathaniel called Gideon Cousland a friend.

He had grown up hearing murmured whispers of _damn those high and mighty bastard Couslands_ under his father's breath whenever the words High and or Ever were spoken. Having met them as a child, he never saw why; Fergus was older and cool, and the younger, Gideon, was always smiling and had genuinely nice things to say. He had fond memories of Highever with his siblings. But if Father said it, it had to be true, right? So he grew with the idea that Cousland = Evil.

He was confronted with the fact that this may have been wrong when the man released him. He had killed three of his soldiers, and had plans to steal from what had been given to him by the king. Yet Gideon said _"Free him"_. Why would the bastard who murdered his father show him mercy? And not the mercy of a quick death; the mercy of freedom.

So he returned, begging to become a Grey Warden. To see what the organization, what this man, was truly like.

The notions he had formed of the Grey Wardens were torn apart. They were good people, stout people, honorable people. Even if their methods were...crude, upon occasion.

More than that, his idea of Gideon changed. The man was gruff in manner most of the time. He thrived in battle, swinging around a impossibly large greatsword, slashing and hacking at darkspawn with vigor and relish, and took the same joy against every other manner of opponent as well. But when he wanted it, his tongue was silver and his manner charming, and had people change their minds about ideas they had set for decades.

Nathaniel found that he couldn't resist his honeyed words, gifts, and sympathies. He felt loyalty bubble up in his chest, and infect every inch of his being. He wanted to obey and protect this man, to be in his good graces, to have him on his side. The man who murdered his father...was murdered even the right word anymore? Was the Cousland just avenging his own father? His heart was muddled and confused.

"You stare at him a lot," Anders said, in his usual irritating tone. They were in Amaranthine, and Gideon was haggling a deal with a merchant, not paying his companions much heed at the moment.

"Excuse me?" he said, eyebrow raised, and lips poised to growl.

"You stare at the Commander. You follow him like a cute wittle puppy."

"I do no such thing. I just respect him, is all."

" _Rigggggght_. It's respect that has your gaze all forlorn when you look at him."

"You're infuriating."

"I try."

Anders walked off to irritate Sigrun, leaving Nathaniel to simmer. And to think. Was he staring at him? He could admit he was handsome. He could have admitted that more than a decade ago, before he was sent off to the Free Marshes and his father pretended to like the Couslands. But was he attracted to him? Maker, that would be below the belt, if he started to fall for the man he swore vengeance against.

...the Maker was not always kind, was He?

Physical attraction was one thing. He could rationalize that to himself. Gideon was handsome, one of the only few visually appealing people in the Keep to him that didn't irritate or hate him (Anders wasn't even a consideration, and Valenna was...Valenna). He was nice to him, even when he had little reason to be, and that added a forbidden fruit element to the whole thing.

But past physical attraction, and into...romantic attraction, there he found no excuses. He found himself forlorn when the man chose to take Sigrun over himself on expeditions. He found that he wished to worm his way into the conversation when he was speaking with the damnable mage. He found that he could tolerate Oghren's stench when Gideon was joking with him so he could stay near the man.

He found himself falling in love.

...well, at the very least forming a very deep crush.

He doubted Gideon would reciprocate. The man was kind to him, yes, and courteous, but it never felt like he was treating him as a...friend. He didn't smile with him like he did Anders. He didn't joke around with him like Oghren or Sigrun. He didn't lend him the pitying ear or arm to lean on that he did Valenna or Justice. Their interactions were quiet things; things that felt very distant to Nathaniel.

Regardless of whether or not he expected reciprocation, his behavior changed. It wasn't immediate, because his realization of the fact wasn't either. He started to walk imperceptibly (or, as Anders put it, glued himself to his hip) closer to him, and made sure he was always at his side, even if he had to be a tad rude to Anders (again, or as Anders out it, pushed him out of the damn way). He would agree with him more often, and supported his decisions when he heard the murmuring of disassent among the group. He would also, _very rarely_ (or, once more, as Anders put it, all the time) would stop in the heat of battle and just...watch him. Watch his ferocity and think, _what poor bastards who oppose him. Father stood no chance._

One night, Gideon approached him as he stood by his mother's portrait.

"Anders said you had wished to speak with me?"

 _If he were not a fellow Grey Warden I would shoot him in the throat_.

"I have nothing specific to say."

"Ah."

They stood in a awkward, heavy silence for a moment, before Gideon turned to leave. Desperate for him to stay, he called out, "Wait."

The other turned to him.

"I...never truly apologized for your family, had I? You have my condolences."

The sentiment gave the other pause. The archer belatedly realized that maybe bringing up your paramour's dead family was not a good conversation topic. After giving Nathaniel a good, long look, he smiled, a good-natured smile that Nathaniel felt straight in his heart. "Thank you, but there is no need. It wasn't you who did it, nor do I blame you. It holds no bearing on our friendship, which is one I highly value."

Nathaniel Howe was never one for blushing, but he could not escape a small bit of heat from reaching a the top of his cheeks. "I...Thank you, Commander."

"You can call me Gideon when we discuss personal matters, my friend."

"Very well...Gideon."

This seemed to please the warrior, and he pat the archer's shoulder. In an unconscious and fortuitous movement, the youngest Howe placed his hand over the other's, holding it against him. Gideon raised an eyebrow, but made no move to pull his hand away, which he could have done with ease.

The dark haired man realized his action, and found his minute flush grow to a larger one, but didn't pull away. They stood there for a moment, connected only by a hand over another. The moment lasted what seemed like a lifetime, before it was interrupted by a whoop from Anders.

"Told you so!" he said directly at them, grinning like a cat (the irony). It was Nathaniel who pulled away, leaving Gideon with a disappointed look (which, in an odd, subversive way, was a positive thing for the archer). He glared at Anders, whose grin only grew.

"If It pleases you, Nathaniel, I would be honored if you joined me for some drink this evening. I found a merchant with a decent stock."

He only nodded, and the Cousland was gone. His presence was, unfortunately, replaced by a certain mage's, "What did I say?"

"Say? I don't remember you saying anything of importance."

"Even though you're a stick-in-the-mud, I'll still cover for you two when you decide to go off for your 'personal' time, considering Varel wanted to talk with the Commander this evening."

As the mage bounded off, and he went off the Gideon's room, Nathaniel felt, not the first time since he had arrived here, that he was wrong about a certain someone.•

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't my most organized fic ever...


End file.
